I woke up early this morning, because I’ve been struggling with getting to work on time. Despite that, I was 30 minutes late. Granted, traffic was much heavier than normal, but still – 30 minutes. That’s just. . . unacceptable.
Anyway, how to describe the emotions I’m battling today: overwhelming, at the very least, covers it.
I cried the entire way to work again – a full hour. I’m angry and despairing to the point of tears essentially on a daily basis, and the morning time is when I can express it. The Hubs is still asleep when I leave, so it’s just me and my tears until I walk through the office door. Luckily, makeup is not a part of my daily routine!
Why cry, you ask? I mean, truly my life is not a terrible one! My husband loves me well. I have a wonderful family, much of which is within a day’s travel from home. I have a full time job when so many others are out of work. My job provides health insurance for both myself and my husband. We have not the crushing debt problems so many of our friends seem to be battling. For the most part, we are both healthy and able-bodied. Life where we live is comfortable; survival is practically a given and not a struggle.
So, why cry?
I cry because life feels empty.
I cry because I feel like I’ve failed at everything, important or not.
I cry because I see no end to this “routine” we’re cycling through.
I cry because my dreams and passions have been on hold for years, and I can’t see that things will change anytime soon.
I cry because my job, while wonderful, is not my passion.
I cry because my life has no positive impact on the world, big or small.
I cry because my husband has been unemployed for over a year.
I cry because I’m trapped in the “should do’s,” and am desperate for something other-worldly.
Crying changes nothing, but it seems to be all I can do.