Friends, Conviction & Encouragement

So, I’ve been struggling with life in general for the past year(s?).  I imagine that’s been painfully obvious in the content of my posts and/or the lack thereof.

The other day, I went to a baby shower for a friend.  I’d not seen most of the ladies there for 6+ months, since Hubby & I moved about an hour away from where they all live a year ago.

I was having a particularly unstable day, and I managed to completely lose it at the shower.  Literally cried for no reason in front of my friends, not to mention their moms/sisters.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  Not that it mattered!

I’d been looking forward to that day for weeks.  I’ve really missed those women; they’re nerdy in a way that just makes me smile.  My new group, while awesome, isn’t made up of the same type of people.  They’re all teachers, not nerds.  It may seem like all teachers are nerds, but I’ve come to think that there’s an entire sub-set of teachers that are really there because it’s a career that fits well with parenting.

Anyway, it sucked.  Big time.

A couple days later, one of the women (C) e-mailed me, asking if something was wrong.  It was so encouraging (and terrifying).  I can only think of one person almost asking that question in the past two years.  Well, I have to take that back; there is someone else who’s asked, but she has a habit of not keeping things to herself.  So, yeah.  I haven’t exactly bared my soul to her.

I pretty much told her what’s wrong, with one notable exception:  I really want to be a mom, and I’m not.  I suppose I could have, but, well – she’s pregnant, as were three of the other friends at the shower, and one has a newborn.  All four already have/had one child.

{Aside:  Ok, so that may have been a contributing factor to my breakdown.  Who’d have thought, right?}

Anyway, all that to get to this:  C said something that really struck a chord – a couple things, actually.

The Lord pressed into my heart that if I didn’t make time to do it [spend time in the Word] when I ‘didn’t have time’, then I’d never make time regardless of what my schedule looked like.  The idea was that if I can’t be trusted with a little (5 minutes of extra time), then how could I be trusted with a lot?

How incredibly, achingly, obviously appropriate.  And it applies to every aspect of life – spiritual, circumstantial, financial, emotional, responsibility…everything.  Why would God entrust me with children when I’ve not been trustworthy with my family as it is? What kind of a steward have I been?

The other thing He really pressed on me was what Bible study and quiet time were about.  They are about relationship with Him.  If I only get to see [my husband] for 5 minutes one day, do I say ‘well, that’s not enough time to go out to dinner or watch a movie, so what’s the point?’  Of course not!  I say ‘well, we’ve got 5 minutes.  Let’s hang out, chat, enjoy being together, and make the most of the time we have.’

Again, how incredibly, achingly, obviously appropriate.  And true.  And convicting.  This one scares me, though, because I have tried having a relationship with Him, and it’s like I’m just flailing around.  I want to be there, but I’m not sure how to get there.

So that’s where I am.  And my head really hurts.

I’m alive, and I’m trying.  Now I’ll try seeking in smaller bites.

Thanks for the hope, C.

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