“Plenty of Time”

I really have been meaning to post an update here.  Things have been going well.  I’ve been working really hard to draw boundaries, to re-claim time, so it can be spent living.

It’s worked out. . .interestingly.  They noticed at work, and basically took a project away from me.  Supposedly it’s to “give me a break,” but we’ll see.  I’m so incredibly sick of this life, there’s only a tiny little part of me that even cares about my professional reputation.

I want out so so so badly.  It’s literally choking me, closing my throat.

Why, oh why did I decide on this stupid field?  It’s an industry full of men, which I never understood.  The women I went to school with were just as intelligent and capable as the men in those same classes.  Now – now – I understand why.  It’s an all-consuming industry.  The expectation that everyone be a workaholic is in direct conflict with family life.  No wonder so many architects have multiple failed marriages.  They’re never home to freaking see their spouses, never mind have a relationship with them!

I know two women left in the field, other than myself.  Two.  Of all my college friends.  One of them is pregnant, so I’m guessing she’ll transition to SAHM shortly, anyway.

Oh, yeah – that whole “my dream is to be a wife and mother” thing?  That’s another reason I’m choking.  Babies/pregnant women are everywhere.  I don’t remember struggling so much when all my friends were getting married and I wasn’t, when it felt like the Hubs would never make that leap.  But now.  Oh my word.  I simply can’t handle it.  I’ve not visited two really close friends to meet their sons, because I’m afraid of how I’ll react.  I completely broke down at the last baby shower I went to.  Every time I hear someone else is pregnant, my stomach churns and tears form immediately.

I found out last week that two more architecture friends are expecting.  J already quit her job and A has scaled back her hours.  She’s the one I fully expect to quit when Baby comes.

And people, please stop saying “oh, you have plenty of time!  Don’t rush!”  Goodness, gracious.  If someone were passionate about starting a business, is that what you’d say to them?  “Don’t rush!  You’ll miss all the free time and sleep you have now, when you’re pouring it into building your company.  You’re young!  Just enjoy being young, and get into that career stuff later.”

Also, I’m (almost) 29.  I don’t have plenty of time.  Serious risks for complications and/or birth defects increase dramatically for me in what, 6 years?  So. . . at the lightning fast speed of having a child every two years, if we started RIGHT NOW, we could have three kids.  Plus, we’ve never tried to get pregnant, so we have no idea if we even can have children naturally.  So, what – wait for a few more years, try for a few years, switch to adoption and wait a year or two?  Great.  So I should wait to pursue my passion because “I have plenty of time.”

Thanks.  Very helpful.

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