Progress

So, you may have noticed that my weight has been hovering around the 200 mark for a while now.  I find that a bit frustrating, because I’d like to see a slow, steady decrease, but I’m happy with a really slow, somewhat steady decrease.

Capture

It’s certainly better than the fast, steady increase I had going for a few years there!

Anyway, I’d like to talk about non-scale progress for a bit.  I don’t know if you’ve read through any of my older posts, but. . .well, I was in a pretty angry place for a long time.  Eating was for me, like so many of us on this recovery path, an escape.  Something I could do to distract myself from. . .well, myself.  I could literally feel the frustration, anger and sadness being pushed down with every bite.  I craved that numbing feeling far more than food itself.

That is what I’ve been addressing lately.  That tendency to avoid life.

The thing is, avoidance works far too well.  Numbing myself to overwhelmingly difficult things does keep me from feeling pain.  But the numbing doesn’t contain itself to the painful parts of life.  It seeps over into the joyful moments too.

When my dentist numbs my mouth to fill a cavity, I don’t feel the drill. . .but neither can I smile.

That was a danger I didn’t recognize while running away from pain.  I’m ready to jump back into life, even if it means the hard stuff.  I’ve sequestered myself from too much as it is.

So, to that end, I’ve been intentionally working on re-connecting – with my husband, my parents, my siblings, my friends.  It’s been difficult. . .there is pain involved.  But oh, so worth it.

Because the smiles are back, too.

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