Depression?

{I wrote this about a week ago, and apparently never posted it.  Oops!}

Well, it’s certainly been a while again.

I’ve written several posts, and published them all as “private”. . .sorry about that.  I’d fallen back into such anger, and I realize that it’s helpful to no one to read it.  It’s helpful to me to write it, but serves no purpose beyond that.

I’ve been borderline binging today.  I’m not at all hungry, and ate four kolaches and two small slices of cake.  Before 10:00 am!?  What?

So, what’s going on?  Why all the anger/listlessness?  I’m not sure.  I truly am not.  So many people have talked about how eating is a numbing agent, a cover-up for some set of emotional issues not dealt with.  So I’m trying to figure out what mine are.  I know they’re there.  I can pinpoint when my (latest round of) emotional eating started.

It was when I got married.  Ha!  Ironic, isn’t it?  There were some aspects of married life that were just really difficult for me.  I’m still struggling with the guilt, the lingering habits I formed at that stage, and we’re five years into this thing.  Marriage isn’t the only stressor, it was just the first.

Last night was rough.  And I didn’t get much sleep.  My defenses are down this morning, and it’s showing.  Oiy.  I really want to figure out what unresolved issues I’m burying.

I mention to Hubs the other day that I think I’m actually battling depression.  He immediately thought it was his fault. . .which is why I’d not said anything for so long.  It isn’t his fault!  He’s seriously amazing.  And so good to me.  It’s not his fault.  It’s mine – I just wish I knew why.

(By the way – this is best description of depression I’ve ever seen. . .it’ll make you laugh while your heart is aching)

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